The Chronicles of Kevmor the Troll

Chapter 1

Kevmor, the Making of the Troll Paladin Kevmor started his life just as any other normal troll did. He grew up in the city of Trogrelin, playing with the other trolls, goblins, and ogres cubs that lived there. Everything changed the day of his 18th birthday.
That was the day the Kevmor entered the real world of Merentha, not just the sheltered area he had spent all his youth. As per the custom of the great troll families of Trogrelin, Kevmor was dumped in Krasna Square in Cabeiri the day he turned 18.
Still in the innocence of his youth, Kevmor sat dumbfounded at his new situation. Not being one to be easily discouraged by simple inconveniences (one might say he was stupid, but that would be rude), Kevmor proceeded to wander about the small town of Cabeiri. After a short walk to the south, Kevmor’s interest was peaked by a passing butterfly.
Not one to let something like a butterfly get away, Kevmor ran after the multi-colored bug. The chase was fast and furious. Kevmor flew down the streets of Cabeiri after the butterfly, following the insect into a rather noisy building. The butterfly fluttered up the stairs and through a doorway in a long hallway, and Kevmor was behind the bug every inch of the way. When the butterfly landed on a table, Kevmor took a flying leap and landed on top of the bug, successfully catching it with his body (it was a success by troll standards).
Grinning like an idiot, Kevmor looked down on his successful catch and giggled with glee. This, however, stopped as soon as he finally heard the conversation going on in the background.
”WHAT HAS HE DONE?!?” “KILL THE INFIDEL!” “DEATH TO THE SACRELGIOUS TROLL!” This made a single thought go though the young troll’s head. “I wonder who their talking about, that guy sounds screwed.” Kevmor got up off the table and looked down, seeing what would have been recognizable as the Sacred Parchment of the Order of the Silver Wing five minutes ago, ripped and torn from having a troll land a flying leap on it, along with having half of the remaining parchment covered in bug guts.
Upon seeing this, a second thought managed to filter its way through the young troll’s head. “Wow, I smeared that bug good.” Turning around, Kevmor noticed a rather large contingent of people wearing shining plate mail advancing towards him with a rather large assortment of weapons, all pointed at him. This is when the third, and what probably would have been the final thought, formed in Kevmor’s head, as everything suddenly made sense. “I’m going to die now. Oh please God save me.” And thus did the Gods hear Kevmor’s plea and save him, in there own perverse way. A voice then rose above the mob’s rantings and ravings and stopped Kevmor from losing his life. “Now now, I’m sure it was an accident. I’m sure he’s very sorry he destroyed a very old and priceless document that detailed our religious beliefs, was the only history of how the order started, and held many of the ancient secrets of the Gods. I think he’s got the right stuff to join our order. Lets induct him!” Kevmor used the confused and dumbfounded looks on everyone’s face as his cue to run away as fast as he could. And that is exactly what he did, up until the point he tried to get out the door anyway. An iron hard grip latched onto his neck, jerking him back inside the room and throwing him to the center of the floor. The old (and probably crazy) man knelt down where he stood and prayed for a few seconds, then rose up from the floor and walked over to the prone troll, standing above him. “Kevmor D. Troll, I do hereby induct you into the Order of the Silver Wing. You may now rise young paladin, and go forth into the world, spreading the faith and helping all you come across!” The angry mob’s jaws seemed to drop as one at this moment, and half of them fell over from shock. Enough time passed for them to all sufficiently recover enough to stumble and stagger out into the hallway, our newly ordained paladin was still lying in the middle of the floor wondering what the hell just happened. And thus did Kevmor become a paladin.

Chapter 2

Kevmor Gets a Job A few years go by and amazingly enough, Kevmor is still alive (despite having several run-ins with Hades along the way). Now older and more experienced with life, Kevmor is a well-seasoned adventurer and paladin.
But his life was still incomplete. His job of killing evil things and eating them (and occasionally declaring good people as heretics when he was hungry) was all fine and good, but he needed something more, something other then the lonely life as an adventurer. Of course, the Gods heard these thoughts and answered his demi-prayers in their own weird way.
”Hey there, how’d you like to join Xenora? We got a great dental plan!” Kevmor turned around and came knee to face with a rather old and large eared gnome carrying a walker and wearing green robes. Still having much of his troll nature in him, Kevmor let instinct deal with the present situation. “KEVMOR SMASH PUNY GNOME RAWR!” “FLARE!” “OH GOD MY EYES!” Let it be known that Kevmor has yet to ever again pick on a druid. After much rolling on the ground and screaming like a girl, Kevmor composed himself enough to stand up and regard the old fart still standing in front of him. The gnome cleared his throat and started to speak once he noticed Kevmor looking at him. “Let me properly introduce myself, I’m Flyby, leader of the Xenoran military, want to join up with my kingdom?” Kevmor just stared stupidly (it comes more naturally then you would think), and asked, “Military?” “Yeah, the military, you get to go around and kill stuff cause I tell you too!” The way that Kevmor’s eyes lit up when that was said was enough of an answer for Flyby.
”Glad to have you aboard Private Kevmor, welcome to the wonderful kingdom of fire. Your first assignment is to go and shovel out the kingdom stables, good luck in your duty.” The gnome shuffled off slowly while Kevmor muttered under his breath how a great many number of things were going to get killed as soon as he was done. And thus did Kevmor join the kingdom of Xenora.

Chapter 3

Kevmor Discovers Elven Women Lance Corporal Kevmor was sitting around Riathan square relaxing and watching the various and sundry people pass him by. What better way to relax after a strenuous day of killing things for the kingdom? Kevmor spent a large part of this day musing about how he had a new home, but no one to share it with. Once again, Kevmor must have piqued the interests of the Gods, because they answered them in their strange way, as usual. “TICKLE ATTACK!” Let it be known that trolls are not ticklish.
With a very stern look oh his face, Kevmor turned around and looked down at the short (and now very scared) elf standing in front of him. Well, I’ll skip the small talk part and just get down to what happened. And thus Kevmor married his first wife, Belya. There, that wasn’t so hard. It was also during Kevmor’s service to the kingdom that he came across the little sister of the Great Dragon King Outlook, the Elven cleric, Paisley (don’t ask why she isn’t a dragon, it gets complicated). Kevmor looked after the Princess when he was able, and even got to enjoy the occasional run out to the southern continent with her. The normal conversation between these two went something like this. “KEVMOR! Let’s go kill things!” “Ok Princess, get your things ready and we’ll show those dwarves whose boss.” And thus Kevmor killed many things with the Elven Princess Paisley. It was also later in Kevmor’s kingdom career that he came across another Elven babe. As Kevmor was walking along the path to the kingdom one day, someone suddenly jumped on his back and covered his eyes with their hands.
This person should probably be glad that Kevmor was old enough at this time to suppress all his old troll instincts to yell out ‘SMASH!’ and promptly do that (as long as they weren’t a druid anyway).
”GUESS WHO!” Now Kevmor was at a loss here. He had no clue had just jumped on his back. “Ummmm, female?” “YAY! You got it right! I’m Lyssandra, lets be friends!” And thus a great friendship (along with many baths and showers) was formed between Kevmor and the Elven Babe Lyssandra.

Chapter 4

Kevmor Rises Through the Ranks When Kevmor first began his military career in the Xenoran Army, he had no clue what was in store for him. His single ambition was to go out and kill things. That and find the great fire elemental and kill it so he could get that coveted corporal position. He wanted a promotion so bad.
The Gods heard this and gave a wicked smile as they let the troll have what he wanted and more. After serving a successful tour in the Second Drow War, Kevmor was sitting around minding his own business (killing things) when he sensed his commanding officer approaching. Kevmor’s reaction went something like this. “BY THE VOLCANO, YOU ATE MY COMMANDER, DIE!” “CHAIN LIGHTNING!” “OH GOD MY EYES!” Let it be known that Kevmor never startled a warlock ever again. It was at this point that Kevmor found out his military commander had gone a great transmogrification from Gnome to Ogre-Magi, and had somehow picked up a job as a warlock instead of a druid. The details would probably confuse everyone else so I’ll make it easy. Let it be known that Flyby was now an Ogre-Magi warlock. There, that wasn’t so hard. It was at this point that Flyby had an offer that Kevmor couldn’t refuse. “Kevmor, I need more officers to replace those that were slaugh…that retired after the war, so you’re now a major.” And thus Kevmor became an officer in the Army. This, of course, made no difference to our humble troll paladin. He just wanted to kill things, evil things if he could swing it, but things nonetheless. It wasn’t long after this that there was another officer opening in a higher-ranking position. Due to a lack of qualified candidates to fill it, Kevmor was selected to take the test for it. The great Gnoll mercenary Cloud Strife and Lieutenant General in the army came unto Kevmor and spoke with him about this. “Go conquer Lanerell and we’ll promote you. Now git.” And with a hearty kick in the pants, Kevmor was on his way. After assembling a strike force, Kevmor rode into Lanerell and did what he did best. Or he tried to anyway. Turns out those guards ripped Kevmor a new blowhole, but he still managed to defeat them all with the help of his friends. This, alas, was not to be, for the current owners of Lanerell found out that Xenora had their eyes on the town, and sent the cunning Scapegoat to stop them. After razing his own city to the ground, Scapegoat laughed at the pitiful Xenoran’s attempt to conquer Jewelian territory, and left Kevmor sitting there stunned that he had failed his test. It really didn’t matter though. Cloud Strife came to speak with him about this. “Out of all the candidates for the Colonel slot, your score was the highest, so you got the job. Your damn lucky you were the only candidate.” And thus Kevmor was promoted to the rank of Colonel. And wouldn’t you know it, the great Cloud Strife fell ill (a witch turned him into a newt) and was no longer able to handle the duties of his office. Give you three guesses who got picked to fill the slot, and the first two don’t count. And thus Kevmor was promoted to the rank of Lieutenant General. It was also at this point that Flyby took on new positions within the order of the kingdom and stepped down as the military commander so he could better attend his duties. Once again, Kevmor found his rank going up. And thus Kevmor was now in charge of the entire Xenoran military. Quite a long way for a private with no ambitions of leadership to go in such a short time, isn’t it?

Chapter 5

center>Kevmor Finds a Guild Kevmor, now having a kingdom that let him kill things, needed something to occupy his leisure time when he wasn’t killing things. Sitting and staring at walls just didn’t have the appeal it used to. It was at this point, when Kevmor was sitting around staring at a wall wondering what he could to occupy his free time of the non-slaughter of things. The Gods seem to like listening to Kevmor for some reason, because shortly after Kilex approached him with an offer. “Looking for something to do to fill your free time, join my guild, the Golden Flame!” With a catchphrase like that, how could you go wrong? And thus Kevmor joined the Golden Flame Guild. The Golden Flame was a nice guild, lots of interesting people in there, and plenty of cool things to learn (if you squeeze a chicken hard enough, it makes a sound just like a cat before its head pops off), but the guild just wasn’t suited for Kevmor’s deep, dark hidden desire. Singing show tunes. No wait. The other deep dark hidden desire. For this reason, Kevmor left the Golden Flame and petitioned to join another guild. The Cabeiri Knights. Now his hidden desire to help people could be fully appreciated, or at least, until he got hungry. Newbies are surprisingly tasty.
And thus Kevmor joined the Cabeiri Knights Guild. It is with this guild, the Kevmor felt most at home, plus it had good medical insurance to go with Xenora’s great dental plan. And thus Kevmor received full medical coverage.

Chapter 6

Kevmor Becomes Even More Important During one of Xenora’s kingdom upheavals (more frequent than one would care to admit, but that’s what you get for living on a volcano), an opening on the kingdom council opened up when a councilor fell into the volcano. Kevmor was naturally concerned about this. There was a deep dark secret that he held, and it was posted on the kingdom council boardroom. Kevmor had to make sure that he could trust the new person that was chosen to fill the position. Not just anyone could be trusted with knowing Kevmor’s love for show tunes. The Gods must have been concerned too, show tunes are just evil. When Kevmor confronted Flyby about the next councilor, he was very surprised to hear his response. “You sneaky bastard, you are trying to manipulate the conversation into suggesting yourself for council, by using your dark secret of singing show tunes as a cover. I like it. I hope there is room for another manipulative bastard besides myself on the council, so I’m suggesting you for the slot.” And thus Kevmor gained Flyby’s favor. This, of course, confused the crap out of Kevmor. Seeking advice, he went to see his old friend Cloud Strife (he got better). After discussing his conversation with Flyby, and showing concern over his deep dark secret, Cloud only had one thing to say. “Well, you may like to sing show tunes, but I like you anyway. I’ll see what I can do for you.” And thus Kevmor gained Cloud Strife’s favor. Still not satisfied with the answers he had been given, he confronted the great and terrible Dragon King Outlook. Being a dragon made answers a little hard to go by, but the conversation went something like this. “You still got the dark and terrible secret?” “Ummmm, yeah.” “Good, we need someone who can sing show tunes on council. Your in charge of the rogues.” “But I’m a paladin.” “Big deal, you’ll fit right in with them. You start tomorrow.” And thus Kevmor was made the rogue councilor of Xenora, ensuring that no one at all would find out about how he liked to sing show tunes.

Chapter 7

Kevmor Finds Happiness Kevmor was out helping (and occasionally roasting) newbies, when fate shined brightly upon him. Too bright. Got to hate how Gods do that every now and then. “OH GOD MY EYES!” As he stumbled around blind and helpless, a calm and gentle voice, the voice of an angel, called out to him, soothing his wounds and restoring his vision. “GET OFF MY YOU BIG OAF!” And thus Kevmor fell in love. It was love at first sight. The beautiful and alluring Elven woman (its always an elf, don’t ask why) standing before him was everything Kevmor ever wanted in a woman, even the way she brained him over the head with her staff. Professing his feelings, Kevmor was able to woo the elf maiden, and made her his bride. And thus Kevmor and Alexandra were wed in matrimonial bliss. And thus Kevmor was never happier in his entire life.